The feeling is frustration. What I feel right now is diappointment. But not for myself, but for Mike. I don't know, but he can't seem to find a job. We have exhausted all the possible companies he could apply, and yet it always tell him that he's not fit for the job.

I have friends who are like him, or I would say he is better than them. But they passed the screening process and have jobs just like the ones he is applying for right now. I just don't know why he can't be offered a job by these companies! And I don't know what is wrong with him why he can't find a job. I am really frustrated right now. I hate him when he feels he is a loser. His self-esteem is really low right now. I would say if not for me, he will never want to fight another fight ever. I am the one who is really pushing him to do his best. But now, even I feel so down. I don't know what to do anymore.

I really don't get it why he can't find a job. All the exams he took he got really high scores, he speak english better than people I know, and he is also in the same boat as they are. So it really puzzles me why he can't get the job? He always gets til the final interview, and then pfftt...he is not in. I'm really frustrated, I don't know what to do.

I believe that GOD has really something for us. He may not give what we have asked, but there would always be something good He would give in His own time. But I hope the right time would be soon, because we are really pushing ourselves to the limit. I hope Mike would soon find out the gift GOD has in store for Him. And I think it's about time that he talked to GOD and reconnect his faith with Him.

Right now:

--there is a raging storm coming
--i'm here working my ass off despite the danger coming due to super typhoon yoyong
--the windows here would be shattered anytime from now (due to the gust winds)
--intermittent loss of power (hope it will last for a long time...)
--i don't have an umbrella (stupid me...)
--my company is a f***ing a**hole!
--they are not giving us a bonus, only the mandated government 13th month pay
--AND WE ARE WORKING OUR ASSESS OFF!!
--i'm so pissed off...
--I think we are being robbed...
--and they are implementing a very subtle way to shut our mouths up
--they are giving money based on your attendance
--as in, you won't be having your vls and sls, no vgh, always ots even in your offs just to get P5000!!!
--and it's taxable, mind you...
--who would, in their right minds, give everything up just for less than P5000?!?!
--they think we are pigs deprived of food
--they are undermining us
--and it's unfair!
--I think I have to prioritize my goals again...

Ballet Slippers

What kind of shoe are you?

I have always wanted to become a ballerina. Unfortunately, I didn't have the opportunity to pursue my dream. So I told myself that if ever I would have a girl, I would enroll her in a ballet class. The beauty of the dance, the intricacies of steps, and the overall grace of the movement is really a feast in the eyes and soul.

I also wanted to learn how to play the piano. Once, I studied the chords and played "Somebody". But now I forgot how to play it, hehehe. I am an oiudo player. I play by the ear, without formal education. Good thing I was part of our rondalla group. I learned how to play the guitar! hehehe!

Okay, enough of that. Time to get back to work...

It's our monthsary today. I know it's kinda baduy, especially if you are celebrating it for eons of years already. We've been together for almost 7 years now, and it's our 6 years and 8 months of being together to be exact. But right now, all I want is a change of routine.

Not that I am looking for somebody. I mean, I still love him, truly, madly, deeply. It will never fade. It's just that sometimes in life, you will realize that there are some things that you want to do so that you won't have to look back and regret everything that you haven't done something in your life. I don't want regrets. Regrets are like mosquitoes, pestering you with their annoying sound and itchy bites until you can't stand it and just want to slap them so they will die! (haha! harsh!) Seriously, sometimes I ask myself if I should continue my relationship with him. I don't know if I should hold on or let go. Or maybe I'm just being silly, thinking about things like that. Or maybe not.

Finally, after weeks of being deprived of a social life and being cut off in the circulation, I finally have a new phone!! Well, not exactly new. I bought Jay's 3310 for P1,500.00, and that's comparably cheaper! hehehe! Anyway, now that I have a new phone, I could text all my friends about the badminton session and other gigs I have in mind, tell my supladong TL that I won't be able to go to work, and I could call my mom in case my blasted ulcer strikes again! Ahh, the wonders of technology...

It's not that I am so attached with my cellphone that I cannot part ways with it. But admittedly, however jurassic and antiquated your cellphone is, it is really a necessity nowadays. Especially if your looking for a job. Almost all of the companies prefer to call you on your mobile phones. And it's much accessible, right?

When I lost my phone, I was really sad. As if I lost a part of me. For one thing, it has a sentimental value. My dad bought that 3310 for P13,500.00, because it was one of the first batches of that model. Secondly, I love all the messages that I stored in my SIM, most if them dating as late as January 2004! But sadly, I lost all of them. I really wished that they just give back my SIM, they can have the phone. Now, I have to store all the numbers again and send them all a message that says, "Helo! ds s my new #. please save. thanks!-khaye". Oh, the rigors of the job...

Okay, have to work...blog later!

I'm back to work. There's a buzz that there will be executive audits today, so might as well be as syrupy sweet as I can be, hehe.

Tomorrow is another job-hunting for me and Mike. We will be scouring again for jobs, and this time, I am not expecting anything. I don't know if he would get a job, but I am really hoping that anytime soon, Fortune would come and smile with Mike, because it pains me to see him so frustrated and losing his self-confidence.

By Wednesday, I will go to the hospital and have my ulcer seen by a doctor once and for all. It is really a pain in the gut when my ulcer attacks. I can't breathe, I can't move, I can't concentrate. And the pain just wont stop even after I take medicines. I just hope I wouldn't have to be confined in the hospital, for I have had enough hospital confinements to last a lifetime!

P.S.

I am really improving in my badminton tehniques. Soon, I'll join tournaments and conquer the badminton arena! I'll be the Badminton Queen! yay!

You should be dating a Cancer.
21 June - 22 July
This mate is protective, kind and compassionate.
Though this crab can often be possessive, moody
or crabby, he or she is strongly attached to
his/her sexual partner.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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But I am dating a Leo! How about that?

mukha akong multo!!



Ako po si Lumen! hehehe!!


These pics were shot when I was at work. I was wearing an all-white outift, and I asked a friend to take pics of me...I looked like a ghost! hehehe! Pardon the eyebags, I was doing the nightshift...

You are Jasmine from Aladdin!


What Disney Princess are you?
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I am really in a dilemma right now.

I just realized that giving is not always fun. There would come a point wherein you don't have anything to give anymore. And I am afraid I am at my breaking point already.

I have always tried to understand everything. From the first time he was late (tardiness is my pet peeve), from the frequent tardiness that would be an hour on the average, the no-call-no-show on our supposedly meetings. He even afforded not to see me for 2 whole months!!! I should have ended the relationship that moment on. But still I hang on. It's been seven years already, and I'm feeling the stress. I am at the end of my ropes. I don't know how long I could go on before I could give up. And I know that when that time comes, I can't be the same person anymore. I am all drained up.

All that I have, I have given to him. All of my strength, my love, my life, every fiber of my being. Now I don't have anything for myself. And I am afraid that I won't be able to give anymore. He became dependent on me. And it's all my fault. I have let him spineless. I have let him think that I will always be there for him. Now I am the one at loss here. It's all overwhelming me. I can't breathe anymore. I want my life back.

All my life, I have regarded myself as the ugly duckling. I feel that everyone is much better than me, or beautiful, or charming, or intelligent. When I was in high school, I would see my girl friends with roses from their admirers, or my guy friends always asking for advice on how to win their loves back. And even if I try not to feel jealous about it, there would be a nagging feeling that lingers. "Why can't it be me?"

I wish situations would change. I wish there would be someone who would treat me like a princess, who would give everything for me. I just want to be loved, I want to feel what love is really all about. I want someone who would try to understand me, and still love me for who I am. I wish that someone would always be sensitive to my needs, be caring and thoughtful and romantic. Because that's who I am. And I deserve to be happy. Just for once.

Fate, that what will get you together, some where
you weren't planing to go, some thing you
didn't want to do but some thing told you to do
so, and here they are, standing in front of
you, you know you will find the perfect match
one day, just trust your feelings and it will
lead you where they are.


Where will you find love?
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F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Finally, after weeks of scouring different companies, walking from different buildings, encountering so much hardship and disappointment when he was not accepted after undergoing final interviews, Mike has finally found a job! yey! He is now part of a call center company (hehehe! just like me) doing e-mail support. At least now, he can start anew and move on. He would be having a job offer later at 6:00 pm.

I am really happy for him, at least now he can now start anew and move on. He could now rebuild his tattered self-confidence and establish his own identity. He can have his pride and dignity back. And I know from experience that man's happiness is based on pride and ego. He wouldn't be happy if his machismo self-cofidence is deteriorating. And that is a fact.

But deep inside, I know that situations will change now. Before, I would just go to their house and he would always be there waiting for me. Now that he would be working (I think the same shift as I have), we won't be able to meet as much, because I know he would still be adjusting with the schedule. I became accustomed to being with him, seeing him everyday. Unless we go with our plan to live together, we won't be seeing each other that often anymore. And I'm missing that now. Darn, I shouldn't let myself get accustomed to that set-up...

Anyway, happiness wins over my pathetic self-pity. I am really very happy for him. After all, 'tis for our future, hehehe!

Watery Cancer Character

Cancer THE CRAB is the sign of the protector, the parent.

Emotions are a very important part in the life of a Cancerian. Although naturally defensive and very afraid of being hurt, they put their hearts and soul in to relationships and are faithful, loving and loyal partners.

The bright side
At best Cancerians are sensitive, kind and sympathetic, with an absolute urge to nurture and protect people around them. This is most apparent with home and family. So lies the soft side of Cancer, but there is a hard side too, they can be very enterprising, shrewd, and self-assured.
When all is in tune Cancerians are intuitive, imaginative and resourceful, knowing instinctively when to reach others and when to withdraw into their protective shell.

Kind, sensitive, sympathetic, imaginative, maternal/paternal, solicitous, protective, cautious, patriotic, tenacious, shrewd, thrifty, resourceful, a good homemaker.

The dark side
Cancer has a deep inferiority complex, any hurt (both real and imagined), is brooded upon at length. Cancerians tend to look back at, and hold on to things from the past, they can be very possessive. They are inherently conservative in their outlook, but this does not get in the way of initiating change where they deem necessary.

over emotional, hypersensitive, moody, devious, changeable, self-pitying, unforgiving, unstable, gullible, untidy.

Ailments:
Gastric disorders, heartburn, indigestion, obesity, ulcers.

Beneficial foods:
Watercress and milk.

You are most compatible with:
Cancer - a dreamy affair.
Taurus - a cosy atmosphere.
Virgo - stimulating company.
Scorpio - paradise with sparks!

Absolutely no chance!
Pisces - highly charged.
Sagittarius - troublesome.
Scorpio - sparks!
Libra - heavy going.
Gemini - at odds.
Aries - a poor match.

Your opposite sign:
is Capricorn

Someone you know?
Snow White,
Rembrandt,
Henry VIII,
Sylvester Stallone,
Julius Caesar,
Barbara Cartland,
Colin Wilson,
Louis Armstrong,
Ingmar Bergman,
Julius Caesar,
James Cagney,
Marc Chagall,
Bill Cosby,
Olivia De Havilland,
John Glenn,
King Henry VIII,
Ernest Hemingway,
Rose Kennedy,
Helen Keller,
Gina Lollobridgida,
George Orwell,
Rembrandt,
Nelson Rockefeller,
Ginger Rogers,
Linda Rondstadt,
Ringo Starr.

Someplace you know?
Idaho
Virginia
Manchester UK
New York City
New Hampshire
Holland
Scotland
USA

Yehey, I don't have work on Christmas!!

Okay, haven't updated my tabulas in a while. Not that I don't have anything to say. In fact, I have so much to tell that I don't even remember all of it!! hehehe!

I saw my bestfriend Tutei yesterday! I really missed her so much! We haven't seen each other for a while, well mainly because of work. We are now in the same industry, and social life is a mere speck in your life especially when you're in the night shift. Too bad Bim, the other part of our famous triumvirate, was not there. I really miss her so much! Tutei and I were so noisy, everyone were really staring at us, just like old times. Mike would just stare at us and smile, he knows what its like when we get together.

Backgrounder: We call ourselvelves Forces of Nature because we really are a force to reckon with literally! We were such a chatterbox that every building and establishment that we went in, we were asked to tone our voices down, or worst, asked to leave the area! Everytime we remember that, we would burst out laughing! College would really be dull if not for them around.

Unfortunately, come about 3rd year college, we already started to part ways. Tutei moved to pursue Broadcast Communication, I went to have my Journalism degree, and Bim moved out of UP and become a nurse at St. Luke's. Although Tutei and I were at the same college, we were now branching out of our circle and have different sets of friends. Bim and I were always together to follow up her records with the Registrar. And however long since we last saw each other,
it would really be a blast when we get together, chatting and laughing our heads off! Ah, I'm really blessed to have friends like them.

Yeah, I just bought a new dog! It was not planned but anyway, I love her! Her name is Peepee, well because she is so silent! She doesn't even bark! But we just love her.

I bought her after my sis and I attended Simbang Gabi. She was with her brother (I think, because they both look alike!). We just can't buy them both, so I just made this painful decision of buying Peepee first, silently wishing I could buy them both.

We were adamant to bring her home because Mommy might not be very happy with the decision we made. So we made it comical and have Peepee kiss their cheeks! It was really hilarious! Mommy was really happy to see Peepee, she even gave her a bath! hehehe! I just miss having a dog in the house. And I'm so happy I have Peepee with me now! Too bad I can't take her pic, I don't have a camera!

Yeah, had an exam with a company yesterday. But stupid me, I forgot to answer three questions! Hope they would still consider me to the position. I really like to be promoted to a higher position commensurating my qualifications. Although I don't have really major problems with my company now, but it is really hard to be promoted here because it is a cut-throat competition. How I wish I would made it...

You're suffering from what I call, Deep Depression.
No matter what your outward appearances, you
seem to be always deepressed. Nothing ever
seems right. You can't remeber a time of
happiness. You think lifes not worth it and at
least thought of suicide...possibly tried it.
You don't like to be left alone, cause the mind
wonders to things you don't want to remember.
Any of your close friends try to cheer you
up...and outwardly they do, but this type of
depression really deep...most things can't
reach. You tend to think yourself worthless and
unloved...and that hurts deeply, specially when
you care about a few people. You have problems
making yourself do anything. You seem to always
be tired and have troubles sleeping. You hate
life and can't wait for the release from it. It
seems to be endless suffering. You belive that
noone truly understands you...you don't talk
about it much cause noone understands and
you're sick of hearing,


What kind of depression are you?
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Okay I admit, I am not the person you think you know. However happy I am when I am with you, deep inside is a feeling of overwhelming sadness enveloping my whole system. I can't seem to shrug it off, and I know this depression would last for a long time, possibly for a lifetime.

You are most likely suffering from Major
Depression.


Are you Depressed?
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[NOW]
happy or sad :: in between
sleepy or awake :: awake
hungry or full: :: somewhat full, ate a double cheeseburger
dirty or clean :: clean
single or taken :: taken
alone or with someone beside u :: someone beside me, I'm at work right now
sick or healthy :: healthy, with the exception of an impending endoscopy session
[WHAT]
you last ate: :: double cheeseburger
u last drank: :: water
you wearing now: :: white pants and sleeveless blouse
are you thinking of: how the hell would I be able to attend two parties at the same time?!!?
do you overuse :: curse words (hehehe!)
do you take for granted :: sleep
[WHO]
you miss the most :: my friends that I haven't seen in a long time
you love :: Mike
you feel most happy with :: my friends
makes you laugh like a maniac :: all of them!
makes u cry :: the past
makes you angry :: hypocrites
[WHEN]
is your birthday :: june 26
is your loved one's birthday :: aug 1
is your anniversary :: april 3
is the happiest day of your life :: hmm...
when did you last swear :: every day!
did you last have a fight :: dec. 8, coz i wans't able to attend mass
did you last cry :: dec 8
[HOW]
do you break off with someone :: i haven't done it yet
do you overcome depression :: just live with it
do you live your life :: to the fullest
do you make friends :: not planned, but they are the greatest gift!
do you pass your time :: reading everything!
do you pass your exams :: study hard, pray hard! it works!
[WHY]
do you normally get angry :: when I see injustice, when someone ticked me off in the wrong direction, especially when I have my period, hehehe!
do you cry :: frustration, overwhelming sadness or happiness, hurt, a good movie, practically everything!
are you who you are :: this is all the by-product of all the experiences that I have, and I'm damn proud of it!
are you doing this survey :: to have something to do!

brought to you by Quizilla

Poor me...literally.

With all the get-togethers, reunions, xmas parties, christmas shopping (which I haven't done btw!) all my inaanak waiting for something from me (preferably cash, I presume!), my savings are terribly dwindling! I don't have moolah anymore to tide me up before the next paycheck! And it's so frustrating to know that I would have a very dry Christmas this year. Promise, however you think that Christmas is a time for giving and merrymaking, it is is a pain in the pockets.

That is why I would always long for the time when I was a kid and still believe in Santa Claus and his elves. Every Christmas Eve, I would be so excited to hang my stockings in exchange for candies, toys and a little money. Enclosed is also a letter from "Santa" that I should be a good girl for the whole year in order to receive gifts for the following year. I would really swear for the authenticity of Santa Claus, I even fought this to my friends to the very end! And alas, at the very young age, I already suffered painful realization that the one thing that I believe in life is all...a myth.

Anyways, Christmas is beginning to lose its meaning. For me, that is. One thing, I have work. With the industry I'm in, holidays are just mere days that would pass by in a flick of a finger. Holidays are losing its essence when you are in a call center, On the other hand, you are paid double when you work in black-out days like Christmas. Some compensation, though.

Two, when you are reaching adulthood, there are three things that you could become: cynical, skeptic, or pessimist. Its true. Take your pick. Or you would become so engrossed in your own problems that these "sacred" traditions would just be an ordinary day to you, much more a burden. I've met people who are grouchy, to say the least, come holiday time. They don't even bother to see the glowing lights, breathe the fresh air, feel the festive aura around. They just focused on the miseries and sorrow of their lives. Pathetic, simply pathetic.

Not that I am succumbing to the materialistic nature of man. I still retain my childlike innocence, thank you. I still feel giddy everytime I see trimmings hanging on the windows, christmas lights blinking colorfully, and christmas songs filling the air and of course, gifts! But I hope I would not turn into some cold, heartless b**ch that always focus on the ugly, dirty part of life. I think I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

These photos were taken at Ghem's house. She cooked something for us, so we just ate the food at her house. It's a good thing that Juvy, our long-lost friend, was able to join us for dinner! We still didn't get enough of Jasmine-mania, hehehe!



This photo was taken at Tata's birthday...



Our badminton sessions! It was really fun doing things with your friends...

Haven't been updating for a while. Just posted pics of my friends here! Although I wasn't able to attend my team party, it was a very good compensation that I was able to spend time with my high school friends. We have been seeing each other quite a lot lately (with all the badminton sessions, night-outs, birthdays or just plain hanging out) it is still a joy to see them. I know by next year, most of us will be busy again with our respective careers, some would go to another country by that time. So I think it is fitting to spend much time with them for I know one day, things will never be the same again.

I was supposed to see a Seer today. But sadly, she was not around. Maybe it is not the time for me to know my future, hehehe!

I was absent yesterday. I was really not feeling well, I don't if this is psychosomatic or what, but my body was really aching. I can;t even move! But now I am back to work, and this is the last day of the week that I will be taking in calls. Tomorrow, I would be in training for yet another attempt to burden us further with other people's problems! Oh well, guess I just have to bear it for a while. I'm just waiting my time, waiting my time...

I miss Mike. We haven't seen each other for a whole week now, and I am really sad. I miss him. Damn, why did I ever have myself get accustomed in being with him!?!? Before, I was not seeing him for a month and yet it was okay (alright, not really, but I can manage!) But now...I miss him. It's a bit strange not seeing him for at least once a week. It's a good thing there is the cellphone and mobile technology e.g. text messaging! At least I am able to know what is happening to him and vice-versa.

Okay, time to go! This is me, signing off...

i changed my usericon...see if it works...

You are a water girl. You are flexable and very
nice. You are quiet so people who don't know
you thnk you are weird or just mean and high
and mighty like. You aren't though. You like
to have a good time and you also just like to
relax and just enjoy the stars.


Who are you inside????? (LOTS OF RESULTS)girls only
brought to you by Quizilla

as the curtain falls
lights fade out
realization steps in...
it all comes to an end.

as i take my final bow,
hear the stirring echoes
of voices from afar...
the moment has come.

i have performed
the final act,
the greatest performance
of my life.

the world
is my stage.
life
is my audience.

i played
my part
the way
i want it to.

now...

it is done.
it is finished.

i'm sad...

i'm alone...

no one loves me...

waah!!!

please leave a comment...

tag at my tagboard...

or give me a hug...

i know i sound pathetic,

but would you like to be my friend?

THIS WAY UP á

wicked_moonlight has fragile contents which may break!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Jim Paredes visited my blog!!!! I am so happy, it was crazy!!!

backgrounder: Jim Paredes, for those who don't know him (where have you been all this time?!?!?!) is part of the triumvirate of a singing group called APO Hiking Society, or APO for short. They popularized the classics When I Met You* (...you gave me a reason for my being and I love what I'm feeling...), Awit ng Barkada (...san na nga ba, san na nga ba, san na napunta ang panahon?...), Panalangin (...panalangin ko sa habang buhay...), which is my personal favorite! Anyway, here is what he wrote:

Jim P. says: (I have to highlight this!!!)
Hey khaye, don't feel so sad. It's Christmas. Just dropped by to wish you a Merry one! And thanks for visiting my blog! I will ytry to find a center where you can deliver your stuff. Cheers
2004/12/22 at 10:19 am

Well, I have told my friends about this the moment I saw the entry, and they just gave me half-hearted responses, like I don't have to feel happy about the thing. I was kinda down, but what the heck, it's still Jim Paredes!! Inggit lang sila!!!!

*wicked_moonlight's note: thanks abbey_road for correcting me about the title of the song.

Yep, I'm at the office working my a** off this Chistmas Eve. This is the first time I am doing this since I started working. I guess I shouldn't be feeling this because, hey, I know that this would happen. And actually, I wouldn't mind working on Christmas Day (look what it's gonna do to my salary!! yumm!!). What I can't do is working on New Year's Eve (which, unfortunately, I have work!!!!! arrgh!!!), when your family and friends would greet on the phone come 12 midnight, send text messages, while you feel all alone and watch the awesome fireworks coloring the skies. I imagine myself shedding uncontrolable tears while gazing at these display of lights flashing at my face...such loneliness enveloping my whole being.

Fortunately today, we will end the session quite early, because I am in a training right now. We begged to have our shift moved to an earlier time, so that we could go home early. And the good thing is, Mike will wait for me later!!! Looks like this will be a good Christmas Eve after all...


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I know that you should give love on Christmas Day. But to be honest, I have never been more irritated and pissed off than what I feel today. I really hate people who are always putting a spotlight on themselves, even eety-bitty things, this person would really act as if it is the most imporatnt thing in the world!!(read: it's mandatory!!). They really, really crave attention from practically everybody! They want everyone to notice the tiniest detail of their lives, it's crazy! It really pisses me off!! And they tell it to you like it is so important, the world would disintegrate if you don't listen (okay, I'm being exxagerated here, but hey, there's a hint of truth in it!).

I really hate hypocrites, people who act like norma-know-it-all, prejudiced and judgmental people...I don't think Christmas would change my pet peeves.

Well, I really didn't feel that December 25 was a very special day anyway. I don't know if it is just me and my pessimism, but it was just another day passed by. No special anything, except that people greet you Merry Christmas. Oh yeah, Mike gave me a pair of earrings (well, technically, it was her mom who gave that gift, he was just a messenger, harharhar!). But apart from that, I didn't feel anything new or extraordinary. Just a day, just an ordinary day, as Vanessa Carlton would say. I think I have outgrown Christmas.

It was really sad for me to feel this way, considering that before I was really excited come December, because of Christmas. Now I feel empty, that there is something missing in my life that I haven't seen yet. I feel a very deep void that I need to fill up, something that even the most sacred tradition of gift-giving and merrymaking wouldn't compensate.

Maybe this feeling is induced by age. As we grow older, we lose our naivete to certain things, and happiness seemed so long ago. I'm beginning to feel restless, that something life-changing should happen to me. I am feeling bored in my life, the routine should break sooner or later. But I don't know where to start.

What's more, I am having weird dreams lately. I dreamt that I was with someone else, someone that in the life of me I wouldn't imagine ending up with. But the dream was so vivid, I thought it was real. And I feel afraid, like I can't understand why on earth would he be having something going on with me. He just treats me as a friend, a kid sister. But he is always there for me, whenever I need someone to talk to, however mundane the topic is. He understands me, maybe much more than my boyfriend understands me. And it feels so strange. I hope this will pass, I don't want to complicate things.

Hay, how I wish I am still a kid...

I thought I was gonna be late for my shift tonight. So I called our in-charge that I'm gonna be late for 30 minutes to an hour. But thankfully the ride was really fast, I arrived at the office with 9 minutes to spare. Not my usual time to log-in but hey, 'tis all the same anyway: I am not late, hehehe!

The reason why I almost missed my shift tonight is that I was with my friends a while ago, at last having our annual Christmas party. This time, it was in Eloisa's home, at the very rural place of Pamarawan. The last time I got there, that was five years ago. 'Twas a very long time indeed.

Backgrounder: Pamarawan is situated at the southern tip of City of Malolos, Bulacan, Philippines (for the benefit of my tab friends overseas.) It is a quaint fishing village, you have to ride a boat to get there. It was really a different world out there, like you are detached in the fast-paced hussle of city life. All you can see are water, green mangrove trees, and cloudless blue sky. The words to describe the place would be quaint, peaceful, serene. I love to see the birds get their food in the water, like a dart hitting a bullseye. Ah, such tranquil place to be.

We had a good time eating so much food that we could fill our stomachs in. I was beginning to fear I would suffer from indigestion from eating too much crabs, shrimps, hotdogs, mango, tomato and onion salad with salted eggs. Then we also have palitaw, baked macaroni, and lots of junk food! I felt so warm inside, being with my friends and catching up with them until we are again get lost with our respective careers and personal dilemmas.

I felt sad that Mike wasn't able to join us. But that is his choice, and I can't help him with that. Not that I am his girlfriend, but these friends are also part of his memories, as we were classmates in high school. I really can't see the logic why he can't come. But as I said, that is his choice.

After the party, we went to see Faith because it was her birthday. So we all went there and greet her, also to see how she is doing. It's been a long time since we last saw her, and we missed her. But frankly, it was really awkward seeing her, as she will always be a major part of Mike's past. You see, Faith was Mike's first girlfriend. His first love, his first heartbreak. And we had a very awkward moment, thanks to Rhose. Here's how it goes:

(backgrounder: we were talking about long-term relationships among our batch...)

Rhose: "Uy grabe, sina Aira at Alvin ang tagal na, nakakabilib!"
(All of us nodding in unison)
Rhose: "Parang sila Ambal and Mike, grabe ang tagal na rin nila! Kelan ba kayo magpapakasal?!?!?" (by sheer naivete or stupidity, I really don't know why she uttered this!!)
(Faith and I exchanged awkward glances, then just laughed at it! Rhose was still puzzled why we laughed...)

Oh, well, we can't change the past, and we don't know the future. All we can do is live the present, right? And that's what I'm gonna do. Sayonara!

N.B.: HAPPY BIRTHDAY IZA, MINETTE, FAITH! BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY XTIAN, SENSEN, FAYE!!!

This entry should be a reflection of what happened to me in 2004. But I would just want to copy a questionnaire I got from Erica's blog, daughter of Jim Paredes and sis of Alato sum up my year. Here it goes:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I switched jobs! I was one year and a half at TransCo as a PR officer and suddenly, I saw myself in a call center company! It was really unexpected, and not planned (well, I don't really plan, actually!) But I have been in my new company for eight months now, and so far, so good. It was really an adjustment for me to be in the graveyard shift, now it's a breeze.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do new year's resolutions, because it's kinda hard to impose on yourself things that you can't keep, and it'll make you more frustrated and depressed. But one wish that I always do is that I wish to lose weight. But I noticed I am several pounds heavier than before, and it's really frustrating! I have done so many things to help me lose weight, but unfortunately, all my attempts seem futile. Now, I'll just keep my mouth shut, maybe it'll be better that way.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin, Ate Vangie. But unfortunately, the baby died prematurely, just 6 months in the womb. It's really sad, because it's their first baby...
4. Did anyone close to you die?
None, as I remember. But FPJ died. 'nuf said.
5. What countries did you visit?
Unfortunately, in my 22 years of existence, I haven't been to other countries. Hopefully this year, my plan of going abroad would finally push through. But I am lucky I have been to different places in the country, as far as Zamboanga.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A new home, a car. Opportunities to travel. A promotion. Higher salary. A baby. (huuuwaaattt?!?!?! my mom would kill me!! hahaha!!)
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 31, 2004. The day I left TransCo.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My biggest achievement I think is that I was able to rise above all the challenges I have encountered this year, and prove to all that I am a strong and independent woman. I was able to move on and pick up the pieces of my life and try to patch up the bumps I have gotten along the way.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't see my mistakes or my shortcomings as failures, just bumps and bruises along the way. They just remind me that there would be a slight detour on the path that I wish to take, but it would be one heck of a journey after all. But if I would turn back time and wishes to change something in my life, I would have done something differently so as not to burn bridges of my past.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Apart from usual coughs, colds and fever, I was practically healthy. And oh, my peptic ulcer got worse this year, I have to undergo endoscopy session to see if I still have a stomach.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I lost my cellphone, and I bought the same model that I have for a bargain price, and without my parents knowing it! teeheeeheee!!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My behavior! I am a survivor! I have been a forever goody-two-shoes anyway. For confirmation, ask my mom.
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
I have been forever an advocate of individuality and diversity. I believe that every person is unique and different from me, whether in terms of principles, character, personality and over-all impact. (have you ever encountered a person that the mere sight of him/her makes you wanna punch him/her? that's over-all impact!) If ever I have encountered that person this year, I totally forgot already. Anways, I'll just lambast that person in my blog, harharhar!!
14. Where did most of your money go?
My parents. Credit card (uughh, it eats up a third ofy salary!)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I am always excited about gimmicks with my friends, especially our recent EK trip!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
I think this would be "Waiting in Vain" by MYMP. This is really my fave song of all time, especially the version of Annie Lennox in the movie "Serendipity". I have the soundtrack CD!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? The first months were really the darkest hours of my life. I was on the crossroads of my life. I just quit my job, I don't have money, my life was really in a mess. Fortunately, I am blessed to have found a very good job in less than a month, and now I am okay with the set of people that I have. God has been so good to me.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! 'nuf said.
iii. richer or poorer? In between. I have a better-paying job, but it has a lot more room for improvement. Promotion would be better!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had done more thinking of all the actions I would take so that I won't screw up in the end.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I had done less dwelling of the past events of my life. It makes me feel depressed and frustrated. Just look beyond the future.
20. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I am always in love!
21. How many one-night stands?
Gosh, I am still in a relationship as I have been seven years ago with my boyfriend...I wish I had one-night stands! (charing! hahaha!!!)
22. What was your favourite TV program?
Nothing in particular. I seldom watch TV nowadays because of work.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
None that I could think of...I 'll update this if I thought of somebody in a while...hahaha!!
24. What was the best book you read?
Gosh, I have read countless of books already. especialy now I am in my new job. I'll just list top three: Confessions of a Shopaholic, Eleen Minutes by Paolo Coelho (which I lost my copy! huhuhu!), and Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. (very intriguing, I must say.)
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Eraserheards Anthology album. The best!!
26. What did you want and get?
To have a job fast and got it in less than a month, about 2 weeks to be exact! A record, I must say. Eraserheads Anthology album and Rivermaya Greatest that I got courtesy of Francine (thanks!!), love from people around me, new set of friends.
27. What did you want and not get?
A promotion, but I know I'll get it this year!
28. Favorite film of this year?
The Notebook, King Arthur, and I forgot the rest...
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, and I celebrated my birthday at Pampanga with Mike' family.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think it would be great if I didn't screw up things....
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Just the same old me, don't really have a definite fashion concept in mind. I just wear what I want to wear.
32. What kept you sane?
Books! lots of books! and my friends!
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Piolo Pascual. promise!
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The recent elections. It was my first time to vote!
35. Who did you miss?
Joie, Faye, Marcel, Ruffy, Ron, Paolo, Transchorale people. Hope I could see them this coming year.
Who was the best new person you met?
Team Shegadelic! Shegadelics are the best!
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
I have learned that life is what you make it. You have a choice on which path to take, and each choice has different outcome. It is your job and responsibilty to choose which path you're gonna take, and hope it's for the best. And if ever you choose the wrong path, you must have the courage and strength to face the consequences, and ultimately move on.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Lift yer head, baby don't be scared, of the thing that could go wrong along the way.." the best advice...